“Do my arms look toned?” I asked my beloved over a late night dinner on a recent Saturday. “Not particularly,” he replied – reminding me that honesty is not always the kindest policy. “Do they look flabby?” I dared follow up. “No, they don’t.” ‘Phew,’ I sighed.“As you get older, you don’t want to be…
My daughter just informed me that my efforts at being a successful mom were for naught. Then she walked off in a huff. This occurred after her homework was almost complete, yet 45 minutes before her bedtime. She had plenty of time to enumerate my failings – which she did for about 20 minutes before…
School is in full swing. My kids are near other tykes for eight plus hours a day – it’s glorious – except for the thoughts of cooties and boogers that dance in my maternal head. What if my kid gets sick and has to stay home? Not only will they fall behind in their schoolwork…
Staples aired a great commercial in August and September. As an adult male dances through the store’s aisle gathering school supplies, Andy William’s Christmas classic, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” plays. Genius. By the time the September rolls around I, for one, am done with attending to my children’s needs, trying repeatedly…
A recent “Last Week Tonight” with John Oliver highlighted the lack of standards for teaching our children about their bodies and how our species reproduces. Yes, it’s true that while parents, teachers, politicians and others debate the Common Core, no one is talking about the lack of standardization amongst various sex education curricula. We use…
Sadly, for my listening and opining pleasure, music tastes change. “Kids’ Place Live,” “is for little kids,” both my ‘older’ kids grumble should I dare select the station when we’re driving together — a forced intimacy that will remain a constant for at least a few more years. Sadly, driving in silence isn’t going to…
When my daughter was younger and she allowed “Kids’ Place Live” in the car, I would always turn up the volume when Jonathan Coulton’s “The Princess Who Saved Herself” or Robbie Schaefer’s “Fits Right In” came on because I wanted to raise a fierce daughter. And, while readers know there are times that I lament…
A good bowel movement is great start to any day. However, spending most of the evening on the porcelain throne makes for a less than royal 24 hours. A colonoscopy is not merely a procedure – it requires preparation… and not just the ‘don’t eat or drink starting at midnight before we knock your ass…
When I read the news of someone’s death, I look at their age and think of how old my children would be if I shuffled off this mortal coil at the deceased’s age. Yes, I read obituaries – regularly, in fact — and, having lost my father at 12, worry that I will scar my…
When I was pregnant with my daughter, a wise nurse-educator told me that having a child was the most intellectually stimulating undertaking around if you have even a modicum of curiosity. I do so wish I could remember her name – I’d like to thank her. Watching these cute, helpless little blobs evolve through the…
We have two dogs – Bruno, who my husband rescued from the pound several years ago – and a puppy, Frida, who is also a German Shepherd mix. Frida was named by the Westside German Shepherd Rescue, the group from which we adopted her. We named Bruno ourselves. Together, we think that they sound like…
I have a pair of cuticle clippers in the car and I’ve been known to tame an errant hangnail at a stoplight. I like my Arnold Palmer’s with 1/3 lemonade, not the half that most restaurants try to serve. And, I hate it when I’ve gotten the ratio right – even if the AP has…
“Beauty Contests are stupid,” my daughter said, in response to my cheer upon hearing that Univision had ditched the Miss Universe pageant, and that, in response to Donald Trump’s “thoughtful commentary” about immigrants crossing our Southern border. “Everyone is beautiful in his own way,” she said, completing her thought. Gee, maybe she does hear what…
“I have 309 Twitter followers,” I said, happy that I’d broken 299 where I’d hovered for oh so long. “329?” My daughter asked. “No, 309.” I responded. “That stinks. Celebrities have millions. And, there is a dog on Instagram that has 2,000,” my daughter informed me as she walked away to shower. That is one…
I am a disaster. I am sitting in the car I hate outside a stranger’s house on the verge of being late for a writing workshop. Somewhere, amidst the sandy detritus from yesterday’s beach visit, there is a veneer that fell from the empty prescription bottle into which I had stuffed it so that I…
I suffer from several, self-diagnosed maladies. In addition to No-a-ti-tis, I am afflicted with Ritus-Challengius (R-C), which is characterized by a neurotic avoidance of rituals and ceremonies where I am the center of attention. I’m also directionally dysfunctional, but that is fodder for another post… now where was I? I’m comfortable speaking publicly, happy to mingle and munch at other…
In my defense, I’d like to say that most of the time I’m good crazy. But in the days just before my 50th birthday I may, may have yelled, “Don’t do anything for my birthday,” to my husband, loudly… and out of the blue … but only once. I found myself staring at my forehead…
When it’s just my son and I, we have a win-win formula for a pleasant ride to school or camp; I get to listen to NPR if he gets to play with my iPhone. When my daughter is with us and he gets to play MInecraft on my oft-fought-over phone, then she gets to chose…
My daughter’s two friends were struggling to get into the back seat of my Chevy Malibu, so I got out of the car to help my daughter move her seat forward. Thump. “I think I’ve got it, mom” Thump. “Okay, maybe not,” she said, as all three girls started laughing. After we did move…
I am an angry and cranky bitch ALL THE DAMN TIME. And sometimes, I can’t hide my inner shrew and her voice bursts through – which angers others, making me even bitchier in response to their anger at me. I’m trapped in a closed loop of Grr…. I’d like a vacation from myself but since I’m stuck with…
I’m taking my fretting freelance and offering you the chance to outsource your worries to me – via the Palisades News. I worry about every aspect of life – and now I can fret about your fears too— real, imagined, and those specific to our little slice of heaven—in hopes that if I worry for you,…
“Self” I said, “You should get out more.” So, on Tuesday night I went to a press event at a local restaurant. I am on a lot of press lists because in a previous writer-ly life I edited and wrote for a local website. I was unceremoniously merged out of that job and so am not naming names lest…
Because I’ve set strict boundaries, my lovely housekeeper was opening a package addressed to me – with my daughter nearby – when I came into the kitchen. As my housekeeper pulled a glass out from the box, I muttered that the friend (she goes by the pseudonym Elinor on this blog) who’d sent the early birthday present mentioned that…
When we last ‘spoke’ I had finished an entire mug of coffee and was lounging in my bed, having successfully repressed my inclination to volunteer as a Room Parent for my daughter’s class. Well… sometimes, if you’re already known as a ‘Yes Woman’, your hand is forced – especially if you’re close friends include other,…
I’m two weeks post carnival. I’ve written 50 ‘thank you’ notes on behalf of my harder-working-than-I co-chairs – We really meant what I said in the notes; we are grateful to all of the ‘department heads’. Whether you did it how we would’ve or not, each of you rocked your duties. Thank you – and attended several ‘wrap up’…
Having children means having fears. Some are rational, some are wacky and most parental fears will turn all-consuming at one point or another. But sadly, most parental fretting does no good at all because often the thing you fear is merely a distraction from what is really waiting in the wings to bite you in…
The only rain that my drought-stricken state has seen of late occurred intermittently in the two days before the OUTDOOR (lest you have forgotten) event I was co-chairing. During these two, soggy days we were setting up the rides and decorating the grounds, of course. Is everything I do destined to be tinged with irony?…
California is experiencing a serious, dangerous, lifestyle-threatening drought. So, like any good Angelino, I do a happy dance every time rain is forecast. I Tweet odes to the wet stuff and take the kids out to play in this sad novelty known as precipitation. I long to finally ‘break in’ my rain gear even though…
There comes a time in the lives of most mothers with elementary school children – especially those in private school – where one is compelled to take on a big, volunteer project for reasons that will escape said parent during the course of planning whatever they’ve agreed to chair. Currently, I am that parent and…
My children will never be world-class athletes. I know this. Because, if either (or both) of them were truly a gifted athlete, that sparkle would’ve shown through by now even though they’re eleven and seven. Sure, there are the outliers like Misty Copeland who didn’t grace ballet until she was 13, but these ‘late bloomers’ are the exception…
“No woman is ever happy with her boobs or her hair,” observed a friend of mine as we tried on t-shirts advertising an upcoming event we’re working on together. And she’s right. Those with curly hair want it straight. As my Drybar stylist noted when I went last… okay, earlier today, “If a woman walks in with…
When I was working on my 50 Fret, my writing teacher – the gifted nurturer Bruce Gelfand – told me that I couldn’t talk about the vagina enough. So, originally I was going to fret about yet another indignity of aging – southern sweating… it’s not just my tummy that perspires… and the sympathy I suddenly feel with ‘manspreaders’ ……
In my youth, when I imagined myself at 50, I thought I’d be a svelte, chic entertainment heavyweight with two or three thriving, academic-athletic fantasy children who would be close in age and in spirit. Well… I’m a heavyweight all right – ‘fat but fit’ still means wearing double-digit-sized-lululemons. As for the rest of that…
Judaism requires that we bury our dead within 48 hours of their passing. This is followed by a week of intense mourning called shiva, Hebrew for ‘seven’. After these nine days, ‘normal’ life is supposed to resume for those who were close to the deceased. This reminds me once again that my practical tribe started in the desert and is…
On a recent evening, I allowed my children to bunk together after their sustained begging wore me down. My son told my daughter that he didn’t want me to come check on them after I said ‘goodnight’. “Why doesn’t he want me to check on you guys? I’ve already consented to your sleeping in your room together,” I asked my…
There are days when I don’t like being a mother. There, I said it. Shh… I don’t think that any of us who raise children are supposed to say it out loud. But there it is in black and white – I don’t like my maternal role 24/7. Does this make me a bad mother?…
There is moisture caught between my iPhone and its case. This is a crisis – it has caused my beloved device to hibernate. I am depressed by how depressed my lack of a functional iPhone makes me. Every few minutes I try to slide it back to life. Each swipe fails. It rings, but I…
A couple of years ago, my mother and I were escorting my then-kindergarten daughter to the car after her ‘Winter Concert’ (concerts are supposed to be melodious… thus the quotation marks around the mention of this event) when a skirmish over how to help my child develop healthy self esteem occurred. “Honey,” I said to…
On a beautiful Sunday for which our Southern California environs are famous, my family and I were lucky enough to enjoy a postcard-worthy-beach-afternoon at a private club. Our dear friends, friends and acquaintances were all gathered for a lazy afternoon – our kids happily frolicking together while we sipped Chardonnay. Life was good. Two…
I just read the ‘welcome back from mid-winter break’ email from my daughter’s room mom – one of the many volunteer ‘opportunities’ at my children’s school – which started off with, “Trust you had a wonderful, relaxing and renewing break,” before going on to list reminders for the week. My break was neither relaxing nor…
I hate Valentine’s Day. Sure, I wore two of the few red items I own – red Crocs and a red sweater — in ostensible celebration of the Hallmark holiday – just because you hate ‘em doesn’t mean you shouldn’t join ‘em – but it was not out of love but social pressure… darn kids….
There is a school of thought that believes that if they worry about something enough that this will ensure negative events will not occur. Fretting prophylactically to avoid bad things – that’s my cup of tea… as long as it doesn’t runneth over into general anxiety. Yes, you should worry about the amount you worry because neurosis…
If one takes the highroad and the other person who, in one’s mind is now walking a lowly path, does it have any affect if the other person doesn’t know that you are on the high horse and they are amongst the dung? Seriously, isn’t doing the right thing in a vacuum like the sound of…
NO-A-TI-TIS (noun). Noatitis is the inability to decline those lovely folks who ask ‘one’ to volunteer time and treasure for worthy causes. The malady is characterized by a severe swelling of the throat when trying to utter the word ‘no’ to a righteous cause even though one should refuse. I am afflicted with Noatitis, which explains why I…
I have an adult, non-biological son. I refer to him as my souvenir gift item because in an arrangement that is unusual even in Los Angeles, he is a memento from my first marriage. I took him in the divorce. Yes, you got it; he was my stepson while I was married to his father and now…
I know of parents who don’t want their children to exceed their accomplishments. These people confound me. I don’t get narcissistic, parent-child competition – I don’t have enough of an aura to go around for myself on most days, let alone enough to make my progeny sparkle in my shadow. I am so intent on my children…
I’m a severe asthmatic. In my youth – back in the Dinosaur Age of the 1970s – the standard wisdom was to limit physical activity, lest we turn blue from the exertion and end up in the Emergency Room. This, coupled with my lack of coordination –I have to admit that my husband is accurate when he swears…
As a weekday evening was winding down my daughter insisted on completing the final tasks of her day (collecting homework papers, readying herself for bed) while listening to music on her headphones. She came into my office to get a piece of her homework. “Here, dear,” I said loudly and slowly as I proffered said paper,…
This is an old headshot, taken to promote the one hit I managed to produce in documentary film, “Waco: The Rules of Engagement” [I still swear the other films were as good, by the way]. I’m using it still because; 1. I’m lazy and cheap; time and expense for another headshot? Nope. 2. I don’t look this…
Parents always claim to worry about our children’s happiness – but is this really a concern? Or, do parents have to pretend that we actually care about our progeny’s pleasure while we push them to pursue what we think is best for them? What if my kids are happy getting B’s throughout school and opting out of college?…
I was skimming websites and catalogues in search of a Halloween costume for my 10-year-old daughter earlier this month. When I complained that even the ‘doctor’ costume is suggestive my husband told me that I should just add the word ‘whore’ to every costume description leaving me to contemplate various choices such as “Angel-Whore”, “Nurse-Whore”, “Waitress-Whore”, “Teacher-Whore”. If…
As I do most mornings, I drove both my children to their school today. First, we dropped off my daughter at a crowded but surprisingly polite corner where three schools disgorge children daily. The crossing guard is lovely, protective and always waves. One kid down – and I don’t mean literally – so all was…
“They break their hip and then they die.” This is the mantra of fear that runs through my head each time I walk with my 84 year-old mother. My doctor friends tell me that there are scientific studies to back up my neurosis, which reassures me, as I am truly neurotic about older folks walking…