My World

I saw a woman I’m friendly with at the neighborhood Ralphs’.

“Hi”

“Hi”

“How are you”
“Fine,” she ended our conversation and each of us went on our way.

She’s not fine. ‘Okay’ is but a momentary state of her current existence. I know. I don’t know if she knows I know.

She was widowed recently – after only a decade with a man she clearly adored – a gentleman who adored her just as obviously.

I want to live in a world where people don’t die on each other.  Where we don’t have to bury husbands, lovers, friends – pets.  I want to live in a world where I can offer more than my prayers. Where I have salves to ease suffering – that is if suffering must exist at all.

I want to live in a world where Chardonnay is calorie free. Where words flow freer than wine from my mind to the page. I want these flowing words, like their calorie free Chardonnay counterpart to be buttery and oaky.  Luscious, indulgent – and free of carbs and calories. I want people to respect the combination of Skittles – which should also be non-caloric– and Rosé as gourmet.  I want to live in the world Strawberry Shortcake tried to sell my kindergarten-age daughter.  I want the rainbows. The friendships that can always be mended.  Obstacles that will always be overcome – with friends. I want the unicorns. I want it all.

But in the mean time I’ll live here. Here where I can write. Where I can pray.  Reach out. Where I can send emails, “I know that you’re not fine but figured a quick ‘hello’ in the grocery store was not the place to discuss this. I am so sorry for your loss. It just sucks.” I’ll draft what I hope are words of comfort. I’ll keep those who I know are grieving in my prayers.  I’ll email widows I see in the grocery store.  Because it is something. Because it’s all I know how to do.  For now.