The To Do List

The space in between inaction and action, the breaks between the actions once begun.

I stare. The dreaded “To Do list”. The numbers to be called, emails to be answered. The mundane minutia that  bookends my every day. Insidious in its omnipresence, my notes guilting me for inadequate effort.

I yearn for ‘elseness’. Something else. Somewhere else. Anything else. Anywhere else. I type an email while on hold with another assistant accompanied by the best focus-group version of Easy-Listening-Smooth-Jazz-Popular-Music. It’s so homogenized and reductive that I’m not sure it can be called music.

The space in between inaction and action, the breaks between the actions once begun.

I stare. The dreaded “To Do list”. The numbers to be called, emails to be answered. The mundane minutia that  bookends my every day. Insidious in its omnipresence, my notes guilting me for inadequate effort.

I yearn for ‘elseness’. Something else. Somewhere else. Anything else. Anywhere else. I type an email while on hold with another assistant accompanied by the best focus-group version of Easy-Listening-Smooth-Jazz-Popular-Music. It’s so homogenized and reductive that I’m not sure it can be called music.

The laptop’s screen reflects the silhouette of someone else. Her “To Do” list is not wearisome. She ticks off adventurous, intense daily workouts. She dines instead of eating. Daily. She lingers over dinner with her aspirant, hard-working, independent and over-achieving children. Their table never races through a meal, and never serves dinner out of paper cartons.  She and her bespoke family enjoy edifying discussions where never an expletive is uttered. I want to be that version of myself. If she even exists.

Chimes that hang from the front door’s eave remind me of the melodious pace of life’s previous chapter. Of a time before I had to admit that I’ll never understand the kids’ homework well enough to help them with it. Modernity’s metronome quickens my pace  – faster, faster I’m forced to go.

Obey the metronome.

There is nothing else but a long list that must be ticked off.

Preferably before morning.