Enough

“You have to get back on a schedule.”

“Uh, huh,” said my chipmunk-cheeked 13-year-old.

“It’s still a time to learn,” I replied, knowing her sass was confirmation that her mouth was healing well.

“Uh, nah.”

“Yes, it is.  Life is for learning!”

“Uh, nah.”

It was then that I knew my daughter was fully recovered from her wisdom teeth removal four days prior.  I, on the other hand, well, my pillow is wet from stifling my screams. Why is she trying to kill me? To turn the affluenza – of private school, tutors, books galore – I desire to pass on into something worse.

“Why, oh Chardonnay, why?“

Between sips, the fear rises.  I am scared.

Scared.

Because my first born is enough.

Pretty enough to demand attention, but not so beautiful as to intimidate.

Smart enough to know better – to know that what I want for her is good – not smart enough to stop fighting her mother by adolescent reflex.

Scared that she will fall in with ‘the wrong crowd,’ who I can blame if she isn’t … well…more than enough.

Scared – that I will fail the force of nature that is my daughter.  Scared that she won’t strive, push boundaries, enable her spirit to soar for the betterment of humanity.  I fear that she’ll be…well… that she will just be. Be less than she can be. Be a bitch. Be lazy. Just exist.

“Why, oh Chardonnay, why?”

“I’m just not interested in what they’re teaching us at school,” Her Fierceness said of school one day while we were driving.  I kept the car on the road.  Somehow.  She’s fierce, smart, funny, and creative.  When something interests my first born she can master it, usually with ease.  Unfortunately, academia has not captured her interest – at least not yet.  What if her good mind is never sparked within a school house? How will she ever have the opportunity to be more than enough? How will she learn that enough just won’t suffice for a girl with so many gifts – and opportunities?

“Why, oh Chardonnay, why? “

I remain fearful. But also, cautiously optimistic and confident that there will be a class – extracurricular or within her school day –  that will spark my child’s quirky spirit.  She’s been blessed with excellent educators who have given her a foundation upon which she can build so much – I hope that she finds something that is more than enough to build.